pleaseeeeeee.....

Cultivate me my love, for i will respond to ur diabolic vibes with alacrity....
This passage of love is a dark cold maze to endure.
There’s nowhere to run.
I will always turn back to you. Twisted love.
Take me with you, for I don’t belong here anymore.
Take me to the place where I’ve been promised
To be the queen of nirvana
Where tears I shed would crystallize the joy of lustrous souls.

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dear marcus

thanks for being such a wonderful friend. i know its a long call all the way from geneva. appreciate it very much.

now could you pleasssse slap me hard.. or you can even strangle me now!!!! pleasssee...!! wake me up from this neverland im in right now!! Coz im too tired to hold on anymore. this bittersweet memories are slowly eating me up and soon there's nothing left to smile and dream for.

marcus,

please come and take me away.. we go backpack around the world .. and wash away the rain... yeayy!!

i'll be waiting for you my love ...

when dreams come true...

Where nightmarish,wishes and fantasies came true. Where reality bites, illusions cheat and dreams wither. For I am Maya... master of my own illusions.

My life has been greatly affected by my sayings, dreams, wishes and even some wicked thoughts. Most of them did came true - some may took effect immediately, some eventually happened in ways that I’ve least expected and some just left idling in cloud nine. How it all came true were quite mysterious and have been delicately planned and charted. And I’m sure most of us were astonished by ways and means of how our dreams fall perfectly into its places.

I always believe that every incident happened in our live are patches and tools that would fit our unpredictable future. And that we should be very careful of our saying especially when we mean it. I’ve learned the hard way not to use my words recklessly on myself and others. Because when you’re tested with your own medicine, it still isn’t sweet. And some I regret for the rest of my life.

Making a wish and having a dream gives us hope for something to cling on to in life. There are instances when your wishes came true, but then you realized that it is not actually as beautiful as you had imagined. You dream and wish for something and yet you forget the repercussions and its consequences associated with it.

I’ve wrote a lot of things in this blog that did put me into major test of my life. But I’m glad to have it written anyway. Experiences have thought me well on how to use my extra sense and I’ve trained my subconscious mind to work in some conscious areas. Not that I’m a psychic. I guess it’s normal that when you are so inclined and deep to yourself, its hard to see the outer part of you and that people can see yourself more than you do. And I like to give comfort that life isn’t as tough as you had thought. Or if you may find it plenty tough, you will discover that you have what it takes to handle it. Hope I have someone to remind me of this when I cant see myself one fine day..

Never doubt of your dream, wishes and fantasies if you want them to realize. Be sincere to your heart. If you keep it in there, it is much safer. Lowest frequency on earth is hardly be detected and intersected. But if you made known of it, you will open doors to some obstacles that need to be evaded through. Of course effort is a must. Most of the time you’ll sleep and breathe for it.

And now I’m pursuing a long lost dream of mine that has yet to be achieved due to wrong settings when it was first made. Errr… Paris is in France ok!! Madeline is there too. But Alfa Romeo is from Italy. Sicily is an island near to it and where The Godfather was originated. And I rephrase my sayings in my previous entry that I would run to Paris and become a nudist, I don’t really mean that.. hahah tau takut!!!

Only time will tell and if only miracles happen. And I pray.

to tell or not to tell..

If I am your illusion
And you are my fantasy
Where can we be together then?
Should we be in disguise
Where no one knows?
Or should we meet under the moonlight
Where only my blush to glow your darkness...

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Intimacy, sometimes can open doors to unexplainable act and sayings that usually end us with deep regrets. Sharing our life with someone doesn’t mean that we need to genuinely share everything that left inside you. We thought that when we disarmed ourselves, our partner would love more for our sincerity and honesty. Nope, sometimes honestly is definitely not the best policy. Sometimes we need to keep certain things to ourselves and to a certain extent lie, if you truly love your partner. Ouch!! That hurts!

1) Rudy and Sazzy were watching Fear Factors series, when Sazzy asked him “I’ll bet you wish I were one of those pretty girls with nice pair of boobies huh?” Ya she’s totally right! But should he admit it?

2) Rangga is so happy to have Seri as his new girlfriend. But its totally a turn off coz Seri has this Betty La Soy laugh and snort syndrome. It embarrasses him to have her as a company when she starts laughing. Should he tell her?

3) Dino and Siti, both are working but Dino has the veto control on her pay of what she should spend and what not. She knows that he’s not selfish but just a little conservative. How to tell him..?

4) Saemah enjoys sex with her husband but only when she closes her eyes and imagines that he’s Ashton Kutcher. She feels ashamed about doing so. Should she tell him?

If our choices in life were given with multiple answers to choose with, life would be so predictable and dull. In reality, there is no right or wrong answer on how these can be settled. Its quite complicated when being truthful can create so much pain and distances in relationship. There’s a different between secrecy and privacy. And I think no matter how intimate we are, we deserve some space of privacy to ourselves. Yeah… that’s easy for me to say!! Hahah!! And for some, they will carry their little dark secret for the rest of their life.

pernah dulu.. ku fikirkan tanpa cinta..tak mengapa..

My sweet little twin niece - "welcome to earth" aunt maya the alien will be the best auntie in planet.



My putris



Hold my hand babies...

I'll be there for u..


Arghh!!! Jam jam jam .. Percubaan membuka puasa di rumah sungguh mencabar sekali..



At back of Kak Liza's car.. stuck in the traffic..dunno what to do.. and ended up posing macam Bambino.



This pose is dedicated to Aishah coz i know she will puke blood seeing me doing that 'perempuan melayu terakhir' face again. Ahakkss!! Gotcha ! She's not me la...She's my identical twin .. Seri.

ding-dong-ding-dong day

It was drizzling, cold and its 10.50pm. Kak Liza and her hubby dropped me and waved goodbye as she made her way home which is just across the street. God Bless Kak Liza for allowing me to interrupt her hubby's romantic back pat routine escapade. Sorry Kak Liza, just ignore me sitting behind biting my nails. Sometimes I talked to myself. Again, just ignore if u find me rolling at back of your new Citra. I just turned hyper when leather and plastic smells evaporate together.

The moment she left, I realised that I left my keys in the house this morning. And my phone battery has run out. Alamak! How la..? Luckily the gate wasnt locked. So I rang the bell and went inside and locked the gate. At that time, my neighbour came out of his house to send his guest (i guess) to car. He saw me and greeted "Baru balik kerja kak..?". I just replied "Haah". (Iya lah dik oii..!! Takkan baru balik Hard Rock kot...live band pun x start lagi!!!..). He was like pausing a moment, waiting if I want to drag into an amusing conversation. But i just went digging my messy handbag pretending as if my house keys were inside it. So my neighbour then went into his house.
I was like..pheww!! What a great pretender I am. So I gave another shot and rang the bell. And nobody opened the door. I guess my hubby was already asleep and my new bibik must be dreaming "what the hell is that ding-dong-ding-song sound..
Ah! Persetankan bunyi itu!! Ayuh kita bergoyang saja ya mas bambang!!" Uh!! I was starving like mad. So i sat on stool in front of the doorstep, eating my Fillet O Fish and Banana Pie (McD’s new pie) and still nobody opened the door. So i started to think of contingency plan, that is on how to camp outside and survive without an insect repellent. The mosquitoes were buzzing in my ears and under my skirt... cess ni mesti nyamuk jantans..!! And i was like helpless waiting someone to greet me home. I was starring at the lizard on the wall, wondering if there will be a next superhero created - the Lizard Man with super ability to acidosis its enemies by licking and sucking. Uiii..gross!!

Suddenly I heard my neighbor came out from his house again. And now he was talking on the phone. Most probably, with his girlfriend. Coz I heard that sayang-sayang thing. No lah I wasnt eavesdropping.. And what did i do..? I ducked behind my car. I dont want him to know that im locked from outside.. Malu la..Sbb tadi so lansi one!! How to borrow his phone la like this...??? So I was like bending down for about 10 mins behind the car hoping that he didnt saw me!! That didnt include all the other duckings I made to avoid those Pak Guards from seeing me when they made their rounds. Or else i might have to pretend watering my plant at 11 o'clock at night.

Then he went inside again. I said to myself then.. thats it!! This is the last ding-dong-ding-dong bell that im gonna make!! If no one open the door..i'll..mmm i sleep outside!! Like I have a choice. And still no one opens the door. Huahahua…I've been outside here for more than 30 mins. Gosh! What am i gonna do?? I just sat on that small stool, no mood to eat my melted choc sundae and dunno what to do. Oh please.. I need to go.. nature’s calling!!! I don’t wanna pee in the drain…HuHahuahauha…..

When suddenly I heard the squeaking sound I've been waiting to hear for the last 30 mins. He opened the door and went straight upstairs. I went inside...yayyy at last! Shouting pain in the ass.. honey im home!!!, locked the door and take bath (ya.. P2 of course..). Kissed my babies and went to bed that I thought I’ve lost for that night... and that’s the end of a day of an unauthorized telenovela queen… hhuahuhauhaa….nighty notty nite nite…


Tuesday 2.35 a.m
Channel : 70 Married to Kelly
Food : Murtabak (half eaten) and Popia
Drinks : Sunquick Iced Lemon Tea
Battery left : 59%

im gonna soak up the sun..

Its 9.10pm and i'm still in the office, bulging my eyes over my thinkpad screen eating numbers that i wish i had in my swiss bank account..haha. I felt so terrible for having to stay in the office finishing my stupid reports to meet those stupid global deadlines in order for those stupid capitalist know how much they would make the bottom figure. And i'm also stupid to be working with them and yet to own my own stupid notebook. Dont mind my stupid mind tonite.. I felt so bad this morning for not being with my sister doing her C sec. She delivered twins and both are girls. I felt like crying in the office when she called me the moment she was out of the OT room. Felt so sad for not being with her. I knew she was in pain. She sounded weak and trembled a bit while I'm still bz rushing on my stupid reports schedule. Arggghh!!.She was there for me.. and i missed her miracle moment. I just hope she knew that i care and love her so much.

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Its been almost 2 weeks since i last updated my blog. Some even said that spiders have started weaving their webs on my profile pictures...hihih..funny..

I've been super duper bz with my new job, not that i want to. But i have no choice coz my collegue is leaving next week, so she would spilled everything for me to churn as much as i could. And damn its a lot of analytical freakin' things. Just finished my 3rd quater closing and now its reporting period. Almost everyday i reached home at about 9 pm. By that time my babies would be sound asleep. Again i would felt so bad for not having to lullaby them and my son would missed my hair for him to hold while nibbling his thumb. And i would helplessly soaked myself with hot shower and have my dinner alone while watching 40,41,42,70,17,11,10. Then i'll make sure his office attire was properly ironed, starched and that the creased only has one line for tomorrow dressing. Cook for supper in case he is hungry and kept some for my daughter who love my cooking or is it all kids nowdays good in sucking up. Sometimes if i havent done with my work in the office, i would continue doing it at home... uhh!! This is not the kinda life i expect to live with. Idaaaaaa... wheres my super miraculous jamu drink!!! I felt like quiting my job. Not because of the extreamly stressed workload (even Bangla got time to cook curry and have dinner at home)but because the lack of my capabilities to perform my responsibilities to be a mother and a wife. Its not fair for them. Everynite i would kissed my babies and wake my little princess to ask her if she hates me for coming home late from work. And she would said "its ok ummi... Dina understand..Tapi kalau ummi balik cepat, Dina bagi coklat kat ummi ok" and im touched for her sincere response. And that gave me a strength to wake up and face for another day. But that still didnt console my guilt for not being with them for their bedtime stories. By the time i went to sleep it's almost 12.30 am.. Aduii!! Stressssssss...... However i have to see things rationally, if i go wank, then i'll run to Paris and be a nudist there..Ahaks!!

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It is not blood of a virgin. It is just my tears. If that is love.I'll be the hybrid to the art of pain.